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My realization
So I've been lying in bed for the last two hours, desperately trying to fall asleep to no avail. Instead, my brain has been mulling over things and I've finally come to this realization:

I will never be happy unless I am famous.

It isn't about the money. It's about who I am as a person and how I behave. I am not the type of person built for the sidelines. I'm boisterous and bold. I'm loud. I've got more wit than I know what to do with and I have a whole slew of talents that are, currently, doing me very little in life.

Some people are built for quiet lives. Working their jobs and finding someone to love and be happy with. For a while, I thought I was, too. But I get bored with jobs. I get bored with relationships. I'm happiest when I'm living in my ever-changing worlds of fiction. I need constant scenery changes in my life. New people, new tasks to focus my mind, new places to go.

And honestly, the only way I will get all those things is by becoming famous. I've never acted before. I tried out for a play once, but I was far too nervous and a dismal dancer. xD But honestly, with a little training, I think I could do it well. Or I can sing. Hell, give me some fabric and I'll design the shit out of costumes.

But seriously, get me into the limelight. I'm ready. I'm ready to get out of this whole that I've been feeling sucked into lately. It's like, no matter what I do, I just have NOT been able to find something that makes me happy. Not a relationship. Not a job. Not an educational field. The only thing that truly makes me happy is creating and playing out fictional roles. It's what I'm good at. It's what I've always been good at. Whether drawing it out, or writing it out. Acting it out when I'm alone. Anything.

Fuck the money involved. I just want to get out there.

I just hope I can keep a hold on this resolve. It's one thing to say things (especially at this hour), but it's entirely something else to act on those things. I hope I can do it. One step at a time, of course, but I need to do SOMETHING. I can't just keep existing. I need to thrive, and that is NOT what I'm doing now.

Now, I'm going to try and take advantage of some of this random energy and at least get some sketches out of my head and onto paper (digital paper).